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Tuesday, May 03, 2005

 

UH Daily Cougar Columnist Summer Plans 'Liberals will dance, drink, travel, protest' (Conservative will exhibit responsibility)

It's hard to believe that the UH Daily Cougar has finished it's Spring 2005 publishing run, and will begin its summer run of liberal starting Tuesday, May 31st.

In their final farewell for Spring 2005 "Summertime Rules?" we find the ideas of the UH Daily Cougar columnist and what they plan to do for the summer. Just by looking at the list of the columnists, the UH weak minded student can easily discern who's liberal, and who's the lone Conservative.

The Finals Forum on page 13 of the The Daily Cougar Finals Edition noted "the more responsible pupils (Tyler Nelson) will catch up on work and school, while the rest of us (liberals) will drink ourselves stupid in the sun."

Justin Vann had some surprising comments which made me step back from previous thoughts on his sexuality and now his politics. The flat chested Vann said of his wimpy limp wristed physique "I'm going to work out so that I can break (dent) this "weak liberal" sterotype. Hopefully with some strength he can get some confidence enough to write right of center. I was completely surprised with him mentioning his future summer liaison with the feminist Emily Kelsch, and I wonder if her "Who's who" list of grandmothers, have approved of the self described "weak liberal" as Emily's beau.


Derek Dickson is another example of living of the wealth of parents without taking your life in your own hands and working. Dickson plans to "frequent the poker tables of friends and casinos," as well as float "down the Guadalupe River with empty Lone Star cans." Ah, the life of having rich parents that will allow Dickson to "drink away his youth in bars and lose [his] hearing at concerts."

David Salinas plans on being the UH 'Jack Kerouac' of the summer, since he plans on driving "to California just to see if [his On The] Road trips are as fun as they look in the movies" and in the book. Incredibly David Salinas plans on getting a job, and finishing his tome, but once he turns 21 in June, he plans to waist away the rest of the summer getting drunk like all liberals with rich parents and little responsibility do.

James Davis plans on oozing gayness this summer. "I'll be bouncing between my ballroom dancing lessons, my internship at the local newspaper and my volunteer position helping inner-city children." Davis hopes that during his internship at the Houston Chronicle will result in a relationship with a nice but mature gay man that will assist him in a fledgling journalism career. Of course he will also "be drinking, [and] sleeping till 1 p.m. just like all the other liberals do.

Tyler Nelson of course will be the only UH Daily Cougar columnist exhibiting any responsibility. He will be working full-time this summer. Tyler's parents have money, but they insist that he pay his fair share of school and transportation expenses, and although Nelson has accumulated some debt it is very manageable. Unlike his liberal colleagues who will more than likely go bankrupt and then start charging their credit cards again. Tyler's a cool guy who has an occassional beer, but like most sensible Conservatives he knows he can get drunk, but why? Getting drunk makes no sense.

Giugi Carminati is planning a most sinister summer in working with liberal causes and formulating liberal policy planning for the future downfall of America. Carminati has no need work since she lives off the inventions of her husband, and the profits from the stolen American intelligence that her family has sold to Americas enemies. Carminati "will work with the" American Communist League Union or ACLU this summer striving for ways to help terrorists find their way into the country and wreak havoc on our soil.

Carminati also plans to "lend a hand with [the] city health policy office" to help find ways of getting condoms into the hands of middleschoolers and gradeschoolers, as well as well as working for 'intercourse rooms' at the high school level for young couples both gay and straight to have sex in during the school day. School supplied condoms will be available.

Carminati will also be working with the city to inaugurate 'youth sex seminars' for young inner-city teen girls to teach the girls ages 12 - 16 proper ways of giving oral sex to please their boyfriends who are threatening to break up with them. Carminati is an "expert on oral sex" says her sexologist and has advised Giugi to remind the girls of proper eye contact, different varieties of tongue movements, and proper gripping and maneuvering techniques of the phallus in their oral episodes.

Carminati really cares about the unfortunate and is really looking forward to a successful summer before returning to UH in the fall for law school, where she will be looking for legal ways to seek the future downfall of America.

Screw the libs!

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